I have been wrong all this time: an offering of love for my husband
I was wrong all this time about how I thought change happened in our lives.
Perhaps you have had a similar experience in an important area of your life.
Seeing my husband with new eyes, showed me how wrong I had been about change.
I thought of change somehow directionally – as if you ‘step up’ or ‘take a step back’ or side to side. Very linear. And therefore hard to maintain as the pattern of how one steps inside one’s own compass is very particular to them. Change isn’t only back and forth in motion. I cannot believe I have discovered this bizarre flaw in my thinking.
I thought of it like this – we want to change but we revert…go back to how we were – pretty understandable – we go back to where we were standing. Having witnessed so many people who want to change and haven’t been able to, I have kind of accepted, change is hard, unlikely and we are blessed if it happens and it is hard work before it is flow.
Does the tiger change its’ stripes or does the scorpion ever not sting? Are we just who we are?
Even in a lifetime of teaching transformation I haven’t known the answer to this question, if we change who we are, essentially. And how do we find out who we are essentially?
And yes, it is quite individual isn’t it based on our life circumstances. How stubborn or how bad we want or need to change can inform our desire to change, but often we don’t maintain it even if we want to.
Change is what I work for in my teaching, a capacity for change – using intentional creativity as the pathway to change patterns and offer new previously unseen insights. It is what drives me and draws me in – and yet – all this time I was thinking of it in such a limiting way – I almost feel ashamed of myself lol.
Something happened that changed how I see change. And it is regarding my beautiful husband, Jonathan.
Parts of who he was just hadn’t been lived into yet.
I noticed, that in our short time together, he did appear to be changing, expanding, shifting his worldview. He was becoming more himself – even if parts of that self, had previously not been being lived into. I have watched him in awe, curiosity and admiration. A man who can change, knows the Paris subways, speaks several languages, quotes Ayn Rand, sings the blues, survived being shot out of a helicopter, cooks for 25 by himself, no problem in no time, has traveled the world and now is sleeping next to me. I used to think he worked for the CIA due to his varied skills that continue to reveal themselves, but it turns out, he is a man of depth naturally!
I asked my inner vision about it, and about him, so I could understand. I saw an image metaphor I associate with him immediately, an aqua blue cobalt teal depth diving cenote. What’s a cenote? Well according to Lonely Planet:
Cenotes are natural swimming holes formed by the collapse of porous limestone bedrock, which has revealed a secret subterranean world of groundwater pools. Most cave cenotes have fresh water that has been meticulously filtered by the earth, making them so clear and pure that you can see straight through to small fish frolicking in the plant life below. Open-air cenotes also have clear water, and often are home to vitamin- and mineral-rich algae that nourish and protect your skin. Underwater photographers will be thrilled with the clear waters, which allow for aquatic-playground shots in high-definition clarity.
The Mayans revered cenotes because they were a water source in dry times; the name cenote means ‘sacred well’. Mayans settled villages around these spiritual wells and believed that they were a portal to speak with the gods. Today you can still see why cenotes held the Mayans in awe. Swimming in the pristine waters feels like stepping into prehistory, where giant tropical trees and vines form wild cathedral walls leading up to shafts of sunlight.
In the vision I journeyed down into his cenote. Past the things I knew about his story before me. History like ridges on the cave walls, some with marks and scars and gouges. Soon I saw the arrival of me and our long year between first and second dates. Then, the beginning of our journey – it was there marked in the cave as I descended further down.
I saw the known places and felt comforted in the knowing. But then, I looked and his cenote was infinite, it just kept going. And going….depth I cannot see, pure and blue light filled and fresh. I didn’t know that cenote meant sacred well, but I get it now. Like our souls are a sacred well.
So it was less that he was ‘changing’ the way he was thinking and being, and rather, that he was becoming more who he was through his own soul journey of going deeper into his own capacity of being. Places he hadn’t journeyed to yet on his path.
Sound obvious now, but wasn’t before. Personal truth, is sometimes like that.
I saw too, that it was LOVE, my LOVE, Sue’s love, my mom Caron’s love, our communities LOVE of him, that allowed him to keep becoming more and more who IS, but perhaps hadn’t been living into.
Being loved for who he is made it possible for him to continue to become and go deeper into who his potential. What if we could all learn to not only love others more fiercely, but could allow ourselves to receive that love?
Jonathan Lewis received our love and so his capacity was increased beyond what he, or we, thought possible.
My mother said about him in the beginning, when I was still uncertain, “I bet you, if you love him the way you love, you will see who he really is. You cannot see it yet because you haven’t been loving him the way you are capable of. Give it all to him, you will see”. And I did. I married him. Mom was right again! Thanks Mama Caron! And thanks too for keeping his photo under your altar for a year until he came home to me.
Almost 4 years after meeting him (January 12, 2012), I have seen this capacity, a metaphor of depth, made possible through love. Today is his 53rd birthday and we are away on a little surprise adventure. The morning light is coming through the window in a golden valley and room service with café is on the way. I cannot tell you what we will be doing as it is still a surprise for him! Shh…..I am trying to type quietly.
Because of seeing what happened with my Jonathan, I began to see how it could happen with others. And the way that we love them can causes them to go deeper. When we are seeing, caring, encouraging this way of loving in an ever deepening way, we shall see the face of the Divine in our beloveds.
It’s like the hologram I lived in just expanded from 2d to 5d – and it is the eyes of love that make it possible.
Is there someone you can love more today?
Is there a view or way you have been framing someone you could let go?
Is there a personal depth, you would like to reach, that you could allow?
Is it possible, that through the love of the Divine and the power of the red thread, you could let my love reach you where you are?
With deep blue love from the Red Thread Café,
p.s. we are headed to Mexico for the month of December, and we will indeed go to swim in the cenotes…
p.s.s I love you babe, Happy Birthday, thank you for being born.