SoulFire – Vision Quest with Dr. Estes: Day 7
Wake, Little One
I have been here since before you were you.
I am the place the fire happened,
yes the physical spiritual location of you
where the divine spark of you was ignited.
It is through me that you learn to
know your own hands inside the womb,
as your own.
I am the recognition of your mother’s voice
and the beginning of the sound of your own.
I am recognition of the color red
as your first home from your view inside.
I was behind the first mark on the first paper
with the first crayon they placed in your hands.
When you saw that mark you heard me,
as you, speaking to you in tender sounds
and nurturing your little body with warm shapes
and I told you – You are here to express yourself.
And will show you how this is done,
put the tools in your hands and
keep the fire on your heart burning.
The very first time they looked at you
and did not have love in their eyes
and saw something less
than love for you…
for the first time you doubted
yourself. I tried to protect you then,
to say, it is ok little one. This is what
happens here. Don’t worry.
I do not know if you heard me then,
because part of you became
I said this: Wake little one. Pay attention.
But I could only hear the same
thing you heard, a loud roaring.
That was when the fracture
began its long scar across the
innocent landscape of you.
For many years I whispered in your
little ear and showed you how to
see with the eyes of your soul,
how to write that which was in your
heart, how to image the visions
that would show you where to go.
Often you listened and I was glad.
But as often, I found myself falling
asleep because you were not
speaking to me and I had grown
weary of pointing out the color
red and having you not notice
what kind of red it was. In the
absence of my true voice, another
voice began to rise and roar
and you mistook it for your own.
This other voice, indeed belonged
to me, but was the shadow part of me
only revealed when you would
not listen to what I was trying to show
you. How does this happen?
It doesn’t matter now. We have work to do.
Wake, Little bright star,
I am no longer
willing to sleep inside you.
Pour me a cup of tea
and let’s get to work,
we have much territory
to muse upon
that lives in the heart of you.
Don’t go to sleep on me and I
will not go to sleep on you,
together we will keep the soulfire
burning and this is what you
need and what the world
needs to light it up.
The world is lit by each of us
keeping our soulfire burning.
That is the only way we
can see where we are all headed.
Come now, and pick up your
pen and begin to write
your soul’s calligraphy
on the pages of your own
Shiloh Sophia – June 10, 2012
It is day 7 of Vision Quest SoulFire in Loveland Colorado where I am studying once more with Master Teacher and Curandera, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes who wrote Women Who Run With the Wolves, one of our key texts in all of our work at Cosmic Cowgirls. www.CosmicCowgirlsUnivesity.com and in my own life for over 20 years.
The experience is profound. I feel like a full cup/empty cup all at the same time. There are not many words coming, or even ideas or insights – just a lot of empty full feeling, absorbing. But finally this note from my muse appeared on the page. I felt drunk writing it as the words poured themselves from my cup like new honey.
Today is the last day of the Quest and I journey back home, but the reality of my life is nothing but ordinary. In the shamanic traditions when we go into another state it is often referred to as non-ordinary reality – I have been changed, altered, and I have no idea what that will mean. Dr. E says it will take a least three days and a lot baths with scrubbing and rubbing for it to all settle in. I will be patient. I do feel, dare I say it, excited…and since it is my 42nd birthday coming up on June 19, I would like very much to be excited. My friends and I are headed to Stinson Beach for BBQ and blessings and – a renewal ritual in the sea. I am ready for a new kind of baptism into my future. As I write this I am sitting up in my bed hearing the bird song, and sending as much love towards you and where you are as I possibly can. I feel like hot gold in the center of my chest allowing myself to love you so very much, it almost hurts but in the good way. I feels so blessed to even have a blog, and friends and community like you who care about me. And I care very much for you. Tear now. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. May we share many more creative years together.
Last night was more than a dream come true – we were all dancing to rock-n-roll, one of Dr. E’s most favorite things – when Led Zepplin came on – we had been dancing for a while already – I looked over and Dr. E was doing Flamenco.
Did you hear that? Dr. E doing Flamenco to Led Zepplin? That is what I said and saw. I found my way to the edge of the place she was dancing and watched her absolutely majestic self making shapes in the world of beauty and light – in her black dress and her red rosette in her hair. We are stunned to joy and awe. She came to where I was dancing and began to show me how to move my skirt and tell me…a figure 8. Here she was, my greatest teacher besides Jesus and Mary and my momie, dancing in front of me, showing me dance moves…then she showed me how to do the hands, and I mirrored her. This went on for what seemed like forever. When the song ended we embraced and there was more than that, but the rest I shall keep in my heart. She gave me three kisses. The joy of this fills my heart to flowing over and while I experienced it so personally, I also felt all of you as if dancing with us.
Sigh. What an incredible blessing to be here. Lots of storytelling from Dr. E has the images awake in me and of course pondering my own life as a story – and a fairytale. My work with this time around has been to remove the arrow of my past from my soul body and free myself from how I held that so that I can move on into the future as full free woman. I realized more clearly than ever, how I have held up my past as a kind of effigy. She said when you grieve to make an altar to whatever it is, a shrine, but in time you have to leave that shrine behind as you primary story and make a new story. And so I am. I haven’t even gotten to the title page yet but at least I know my life is a new book today.
Removing an arrow/error like believing your past was the BEST and your future is less bright, is easier said than done, if you know what I mean. We get a LOT out of holding onto the the things that harm us, don’t we? I know as long as my past is better than my future, I cannot call in the future that is mine from a pure heart, or as Dr. E puts it: “clean, calm, clear heart”.
Dr. E created a ceremony for all of this to happen – and in her own words from her facebook page:
Dear brave souls
Under the milky way
The mothers veil
The Sumerios burning
The lit Velas in the dark
Your body is made of light
The bells of water
Blessing the ways
Of 100 hearts on legs
…and all the dear brave souls
Here, as well as you
Dear brave soul.
You were not far away from us
But with us.
My roommate and dear friend Shannon, founder of Shakti Rising is still sleeping and I have to wake her up so we can go do yoga on the hill at the ranch. I am so grateful to have traveled with this incredible woman, companion and teacher who has been serving women with her work for most of her life – creating true change in transformational education and recovery for women and girls. I will gush more on her very soon. After yoga, then it is storytelling time, today we get to hear – East of the Sun, West of the Moon. If you want to read it with us, I know it won’t be the same, but you can find it here, http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/norway034.html. I have been having a hard time with the hard nature of the fairytales Dr. E tells, many of them don’t have happy endings and there is a lot of blood, teeth, arrows and bones. And wolves and bears and lions oh my! However, there are also other things I need more than happy endings right now. Like real bonds, real magic and places where miracles are born and muses wake you up for tea.
I love you.
VisionQuest SoulFire: Day 7 – Absolute freedom of unfolding self.
Join me this week for a ritual with the muse…tea with the muse…