Belonging to your life…

How does one belong to one’s own life?

Move into one’s skin and call it home?

How does one feel good enough to yell out the window while driving very fast and listening to music that is too loud and shout love to the wind?

Today is Christmas Eve and I feel today…like I do indeed belong to my life. It is an extraordinary feeling made up of a lifetime of ingredients. Sunlight. Warm wind. This downtown cafe in Fairfax with live music every Saturday morning. The bustle of families and little ones. And a decision to be by myself right now. There are many places I could go this holiday…but I am choosing to spend it in the creation of myself belonging to myself. This is the return of the light for me this year – the dawning of Christ in my heart is that I am ok here on my own. After 16 years of marriage it is really something to approach the holidays and have it be an almost foreign experience. The only thing I could think of that would make it work was to move more fully into my skin. So I did. I rather like it in here.  My still healing heart is allowing this moment. The Red Madonna is allowing this moment of feeling filled with faith and just a sense of – I am ok. Really truly – OK. I made it.

So I wanted to write you…and send you my good wishes and feelings. Invite you to occupy your own body and life. To encourage you to belong to you this Christmas. I know it is not easy cuz I been trying it myself. But since today it is happening I had to write it. What else are blogs for?
This sense of being all alone but being connected to everything and everyone is new for me. Before I didn’t know how to be alone and be connected. It takes practice. There is light at the end of the tunnel and it is not a train, it is the Lord.

After this I will go to Vespers at the Orthodox church and go home to paint Mary and her baby Jesus in a house filled with candles.

Loving you

Shiloh Sophia